My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
