imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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