and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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