I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
