I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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