So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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