I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
