Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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