perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
