my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
