I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
