I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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