I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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