I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I skipped work to stalk him.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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