if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
