You're so nebulous sometimes
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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