just survived the first fart of the relationship.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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