i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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