we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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