I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
