see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
