I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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