You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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