literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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