i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
