Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
