found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
