Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
