I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
