A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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