Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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