All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
