I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
