every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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