I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
