Why is your signature on my underwear?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
