Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
