overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
