It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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