New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
