I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
