I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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