there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
