so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
