Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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