I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
