There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
