is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
