The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
