I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
