Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
