I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize