Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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