forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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