i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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