sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I need to calm my uterus...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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