At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
