i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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