if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
