I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
