Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
