I'm eating all of the evidence.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
