PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
