As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
