I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize