I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Oh god it's open bar.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
