Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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