i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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