remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
