I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
