I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
