all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The air taste purple.
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