Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
